Things I’ve learned

*A note of warning, this post has to do with babies, nursing and the like.  Read on at your discretion*

Now that we feel our family is complete and won’t be having any more children, I felt the need to vent a bit about what I have learned over the years.  I have learned there is a Very BIG stigma regarding breastfeeding vs bottle feeding your baby.  I did not realize the stigma or how it affected me personally until faced with the dilemma after having my first child.  It was a very emotional struggle when it came time to switch her over from breast to bottle.  My children have never had problems latching, nursing or burping.  The problem was solely mine.  My let down reflex was barely there and I was not feeling full.  My oldest had a particularly difficult time getting enough to satisfy her from one side.  This resulted in a frustrated daughter and a lopsided and occasionally engorged on the other side, mommy.  Even though I felt like I failed as a woman, she was a happier baby and eventually those emotions subsided.

My second child and first son was bigger than his sister from the start and hungrier.  I wanted to give nursing another try and I did but with much more painful results.  In addition to my son literally crying nonstop in between feedings, I literally had nothing to give him.  I felt empty, and was cracked and bleeding due to trying and trying to nurse him.  This led to another emotional but painfully obvious, give the kid a bottle moment.

With my third and second son there was no discussion.  I nursed him as much as I dared too but not to the point of pain.  I pumped when I could but for the most part he was bottle fed and at about 2 months was exclusively on the bottle.

Our youngest and second daughter did rather well and I had a renewed hope that maybe this last time would be the kicker.  However, in the hospital her blood sugar was all over the place and we started supplementing with a bottle just to get it normal.  I knew then that what little hope I had was gone.  She is about 6 weeks old now and still nursing intermittenly as I feel full enough to do so. 

I have learned through these experiences that I did not fail as a woman or a mother.  It was the hardest thing to realize that my body was going to do what it was going to do and that I had no control over it.  No matter how much water I drank or how healthy I was eating, it was not going to produce enough to provide my children full tummies through their first year of life.  I say it like that because that emotion was very real and that is exactly how I felt.  I felt like a total failure.  The biggest support was my husband.  He wanted a happy baby and a happy mommy and knew that even though I was having those emotions, he gently encouraged me to do what we both knew needed to be done. 

The stigma still stings when I have to explain to the doctors, who should know but don’t, that I did the best I could.  It is comforting to see in some of the literature on some of the formula cans that they are embracing the emotions that women feel.  Often times I read that any nursing is beneficial to the child.  It is a matter of feeling like you did something and made the decision in their best interest. 

My husband and I know that we are going to do everything we can to instill in our daughters what we have learned through these experiences.  I don’t want them to feel like they are doing anything except making the best choice for their baby.  Of course I hope they have a better chance and experience with it, than I did but I will do everything I can to help them understand that they do not have to feel the stigma one way or the other. Ultimately I am grateful for any nursing experience I have had with my children. 

As I know it is coming to the point where my youngest will be going to the bottle full-time and I will be having a check up where I have to explain to my doctor again that my let down reflex is barely there, I was reflecting on my experiences.  As with my weight-loss blog which I will be getting back too soon, I wanted to be brutally honest in the hopes that someone who might have been having a hard time would feel that it’s ok.  No matter how we feed our babies, we got them here after 9 months, that by itself is a feat of strength of Womanhood, after birth-it’s a toss up and you gotta do whatever necessary to keep them healthy and happy.  A happy baby is worth much more than all the crying over the decision.